Originally published on four moms November 26, 2009
This is a hard post for me to write. But growing is sometimes hard and I am wanting to share about God working so here goes…
I am a pretty prideful person. I have always prided myself on being responsible, being self-sufficient, being a high achiever, being a ‘strong’ person. From stuff like being a good employee, to having a clean house and always shoveling the driveway right after it snows, to being financially responsible, organized and efficient.
So fast forward to now. I am pregnant and I have been quite sick this time. (See I am even having a hard time writing this because I do not want to seem like I am fishing for pity and I know so many people have ordeals that they would LOVE to trade for this small bump now that will be so joyful later.) Not that the first trimester with my other two kids were a walk in the park but this is something altogether different. For about a month I was basically useless. I was feeling so miserable and just wanting to be done with this already. I was talking to a friend who has had it way worse than me as far as pregnancy sickness goes and she mentioned that the last pregnancy she prayed that she be refined by the sickness – that God somehow use it to change her.
At first I thought – This is such crap. (I know how embarrassingly unhumble.) Why the heck would I have to go through this to grow somehow. What good change in me could God be wanting to bring about from this?? This is only making me and my family miserable – I couldn’t see any reason for how this could be how God wanted to bring about any refinement in me. (And again I know it is small potatoes compared to what others go through that must be feeling the same way only magnified.) I am not taking proper care of my other kids, or being a partner to my husband who was basically having to do everything – work during the day, cook and clean when he got home, put the kids to bed. Any other commitments I had were just let go. I was just feeling a big heaping dose of self-pity for what I wasn’t able to be doing (and for not being able to keep holding up my idol of pride in myself).
So anyway my mother in law lovingly cooked a whole bunch meals for us and dropped them off to my husband. A few friends also made us food. Friends and family offered to help with the kids and help clean the house. Friends I volunteer with had to pick up what I wasn’t doing and did so happily. I had help (that I did not accept easily or gracefully but basically had lovingly forced on me) from so many people. Yes, I had to (or in reality was so sick I didn’t put up a stink) swallow my pride. My pride that I wasn’t cooking food for my family. My pride that my house was messy and I couldn’t clean it. My pride that my children were watching obscene amounts of television. So yes, I started seeing refinement. Started seeing that my pride can get in the way of accepting God’s care and love of me via other people. I swallowed my pride more (this time with urging from the spirit but still not easily) and asked my small group for prayer – which was really hard when I know that people have so much more important prayer needs than this and because it was letting even more people know that I needed help. Not all strong after all…
That’s when it became so clear. This was not just a small deal about me swallowing my pride in myself a tiny bit or making a god of living such a responsible life. Because being responsible, strong and self-sufficient are to some extent good things. But not to any extent that they remove me from being totally dependant on God. God wants me to rely on Him – living as if I only need to rely on myself in any area is SUCH a lie. This is where my pride was being so harmful – it was separating me from God, His grace, His forgiveness, His comfort and His love. It was stopping me from even seeing that I needed to repent of this. Friends I am literally crying typing this. Has it been hard – yes – and not just the sickness part, more the growing part – hard but so good in the end. As drawing closer to my Saviour always is. Thank you God.