On soulbreak

We tend to call it heartbreak but that really isn’t what it is.  A heart just pumps blood around but our soul, that pumps something else altogether.  We can’t live without our heart but we aren’t alive without our soul.  Our soul is what God placed there, the part of me that lets me know He is, the part that lets me know I am more than just molecules joined together.

And soulbreak – it happens all the time – really it’s practically as commonplace as it is life shattering – through parents fighting or leaving or worse as children, through peers laughing or ignoring as teens.  Through the first boy or girl who we gave a little bit more of ourselves to and we ended up having to dumpster dive that precious piece  from the garbage, stinky and bruised.  Through loss of a loved one (through death or sometimes worse they aren’t physically dead but they are lost to you anyway).  Through addiction, divorce, selfishness, ignorance, greed and pride and many, many other ways we break our souls and our souls are broken.

But souls are strong.  It takes a lot to break one all the way through.  Most of the time there are only fractures and we keep getting up each day and just – keep – on – going.  To have souls like this shows we are made in His image because we long for beauty instead of broken.  We long for life, for meaning, even when we should feel too crushed to continue.  To have souls like this makes me glad I can get angry and ask God lots of hard questions because so much of this life  just – does – not – make – any – sense.

Some soulbreak is part of what I had going on for me in February – I share this simply because I don’t want to fall into the lie of making my little life look all perfect just because I love Jesus here in this space.  I want to share some real stuff too, and while most of the time I can say God’s spirit gives me the peace that passeth understanding even in really hard circumstances, there are other times when I am just like ‘God – what the @!#$!’.  There are times when I know God is with me but yet I feel so disappointed and discouraged.  And that is okay – I know God is big enough to take and deal with my lack of understanding and loving enough to deal with my anger.