I’m sorry I’m a Christian – but I’m hopefull
I caught this video on a friends facebook feed the other day. I have been thinking about it a lot since then. It is something I really need to hear and think about, even though sorting through where I am guilty and need to ask for forgiveness is uncomfortable for me. Even though I agree with the content on the video, it has really caused me to reflect and repent of my own hypocrisies and how similar they are to the ones I would outwardly claim not to agree with.
Like how I soil the image of Jesus by my representation of Christianity. How I make it look like being a Christian is about living a happy, content life, with all the material goods one needs to be comfortable. I’m sorry I make it look like God is hateful, selfish, prideful because I am all of these things but Jesus was none of them.
I need people to know I’m sorry because I have an impossible time to love my family, my neighbour, never mind my enemy and if you know me you will see this easily and see that I am a hypocrite.
I’m sorry I think I so deserve access to some material good, that I buy into the belief that ‘spending less’ somehow enables me to ‘live better’. I’m sorry I don’t think about the ramifications (to the people who make it, to the people who sell it and to the earth) of getting that material good while keeping more moolah in my selfish pocket. I’m sorry I still buy bananas even though I know the harvesters are slaves, that I sip on my chai latte without thinking about the person who supplied the tea and that I occasionally buy strawberries from the store even though I know the pesticides sprayed on them give the little kids whose parents harvest them cancer.
I’m sorry that I live in my cozy house, homeschooling my children, indulging in luxuries like swimming lessons and new books and that I don’t want God to ask me to give it up to help someone whose child was sold into the sex trade or is starving. I’m sorry I expect politicians to fix the world, instead of realizing that Jesus came to spread a kingdom that was not spreadable through the ruling authorities.
Most of all, I am sorry because my actions cause people not to get to know Jesus. I’m sorry because I am too quick to judge and too slow to forgive. I’m sorry because I make it look like God doesn’t love you – and that is the biggest lie of all – because he loves all of his children – each and every single human being .
Even in this muck of my sin and how badly Christians act, I have hope. I have hope because God is in control here. Because I see him working in ways like this and this and people living like this and this and people thinking about things like this and listening to God like this and people being faithful in the midst of the hardness of life and counting their blessings like this and because I am surrounded by people who love Jesus and want to grow and love better in all of this uncertainty that is faith just because they know the love of Jesus. Because I know so many apprentices of Jesus who really are wanting to love God and their neighbours. For when I open my eyes I see bits of God’s kingdom shining through – despite our ‘best intentions’ as Christians – and that gives me hope.